So in May my good friend is graduating from the Ringling College of Art and Design. i asked if this prestigious university (they would say such of themselves) would mind if I openly discharged firearms and sodomized cloven hoof animals as permissible in the Bible. He informed me that it would be held in Sarasota’s prestigious (more self-important assholes) Van Wezel opera house with limited seating for which tickets are sold.

Knowing I wouldn’t be able to get tickets i suggested a kegger in the parking lot of the opera house, which by the way has a beautiful view of the Sarasota marina. The marina being a great place to steal boats this kegger will be BYOG; that’s bring your own goddamn guns! FYI camouflage will be necessary for piracy operations in and around Sarasota county, which is full of artists to slap on some Picasso-lookin’ shit and blend right the fuck in with all the turtle-neck wearing Porsche drivers that pretend to be to cool to have a soul.

I need to put in some vacation time at work, which shouldn’t be to hard. My immediate supervisor needs a break from being man-handled by this sweet brick of man in a cock-hammock. So late April or early May I’ll be leaving my new home in Louisiana for Florida for the purpose of seeing Mr. Buddy out of his bullshit establishment of higher education that’s just down the street from where we were bred and into adulthood in New Zealand. 

Beyond the parking lot kegger i don’t know what else to do that’s special. I guess doing non-special activities like looking for public school girls to snog is good enough for some last minute interpersonal bonding time. Hell amybe we can take a break and do some pro bono work in Syria and go kill that Assad Amedenedzjad guy that’s been threating to kill Israel with his Chinaman Army.

I’m gonna start shopping for a non-homosexual gift for the purpose of celebrating a graduation and All-American Exodus. I thought a knife at first but New Zealand is in Not-America so they are probably scared of those, so all I can think of is a preowned woman of the night from Cheju-do Island as a parting gift. I think I saw a BBC special on hookers being legal in Kiwilandia so that would be kinda like sending him to Africa with acorns in his pocket. I think I might have to take a non-typical stab in the dark and go with a gift card to Target.

If nothing else that keg will be full of Kosmo Spoetzl’s finest bock from Shriner, the only place of value in Texas. At which point all but the two constant worries in my life will go away, just gotta avoid providing alcohol to minors and statutory.